Sunday, January 30, 2011

Word Play

I received the below from a friend and found it so amusing I simply had to share it here. Enjoy.

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary,alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1.Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house,which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2.Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3.Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5.Bozone( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

6Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..

7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious

12.Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13.Glibido: All talk and no action.

14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15.Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spiderweb.

16.Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.Caterpallor( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common

And the winners are:

1.Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2.Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4.Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7.Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8.Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11.Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12.Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16.Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Chris Rock on Love

This is so true and so entertaining I just had to share it here.

Another Day Another Opportunity

The below is from work, and again has a valid point for broader life. Enjoy.

Don't spend your precious time asking, “Why isn't the world a better place?” It will only be time wasted. The question to ask is, “How can I make it better?”
To that there is an answer. – Leo F. Buscaglia 

Leo Buscaglia, a teacher and motivational speaker, was perhaps best known as a “cheerleader for life” because of his positive attitude and appreciation
for all the good life has to offer. He encouraged people to not just point out the problems we face in today’s society, but to look for a way to help;
to not just accept things the way they are, but be part of the solution. 

Here in SB/SE we face challenges and problems everyday. And we are fortunate to have employees who think creatively – who work hard to come up with new
ways to address our ever-changing issues. Working together we figure out answers, or as Buscaglia put it, we develop ways to make it better. 

But we all can do more. Don’t miss each day’s opportunity to make your corner of the world a better place. Take the time to make a positive difference in
this sometimes negative world. As Buscaglia wrote, “It is not enough to have lived. We should determine to live for something.”  

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Officially Too Much of a Good Thing

So I have been jesting with friends that since moving to Englewood I have bought enough alcohol from the local store to allow the hard working Ethiopian who owned said store to buy a yacht and take a cruise. Little did I realize that such jests come back to bite us in the most sensitive places in the most unpleasant ways.

I had a small hint that my brave Ethiopian might be taking his time on enjoying those crystal beaches and their delightful amenities when he disappeared shortly after Christmas. I was further confronted with cold hard reality when three weeks later I stopped by after work (thank you Mr. and Mrs. non Taxpayer) for some gin (that nectar of the gods) and lo the door was shut.

Not one to take reality sitting down I ventured forth again the day after my birthday, and finally reality began to slowly sink in when the Bald God and I found the door closed at 4:30pm on a Tuesday.

One would think at this point I would have given up, but I am a faithful soul (or driven, take your pick), so tonight I stride over after work, and finding the door closed again I go in to the next store over. The individuals telling me that my Ethiopian had indeed departed for the crystal sands, never to return, finally has driven the point home.

So what do I do? Ordered from the Liquor Barn.

Victory is always mine.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The below article is from work, and I find the point a valid one- hence my sharing it here. Enjoy.

If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. – Colin Powell 

I saw an interesting news item the other day. The World Association of Chefs recently named Mark Morgan as one of the three best pastry chefs in the world.

Why am I bringing up pastry chefs? Not because of a sweet tooth. It’s because pastry chef wasn’t the occupation listed for Morgan – or should I say “Master
Sgt. Morgan.” The culinary expert is an Army ranger who has completed six tours of duty – two in Iraq and four in Afghanistan – and a recipient of the
Bronze Star.

I believe the sergeant chef would agree there is no single path to excellence. By taking advantage of the many opportunities afforded us, we can increase
our chances for success. Don’t put off reaching your goals until “after the holidays” or the ever-popular “after retirement.” Take that first step today
to reach tomorrow’s dreams.

We all have talents outside of our job description that can expand our horizons in and outside the workplace. Morgan is a decorated soldier who makes world-class
pastries by mixing perseverance and pride in his work. It’s a winning recipe we all can follow.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Exciting calls, a long weekend, and spam

The more time I spend at my job the more convinced I am that most people in this great country of our are absolute nutbars. I begin to think a book of humor on some of the calls I have received after working for seven months for my current employer would be a good money making venture.

A freind sent me the below, which I simply have to share.

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. 

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way
to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry
sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" 

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!" 

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

As for life things go fairly well. Trying to maintain a good social life and not let work consume my soul. Recently bought Slice by Five for Fighting from This is an excellent album and I would recommemd it to everyone. Apart from that planning on a few weeks of celebrating my birth- first here in Denver on the 22nd, and then the first weekend next month in Colorado Springs, and perhaps the weekend of President's Day as well. You know when it's my birth we're celebrating it's bound to be a party and a good one. :)

Friday, January 14, 2011

Dragon Warrior

Tonight while trying to relax from an attack of real world dragons I came across this series of tunes from the old NES Dragon Warrior game. For those of you who did not know me when I was 9 I took great and extreme enjoyment from this game. I swear it was the best $35 my parents ever spent, when taken into account how many hours I spent playing that game. When I played it I was the strong warrior carrying off the princess and slaying the dragons, a role I still enjoy playing to this day.

I like to think that such (at this point) such simple tunes can still inspire the Dragon Warrior inside me.

I share it with you as an insight into my inner being.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Anniversaries, Braille, and the Holidays

Today would have marked the fourth anniversary of Sueanne and my being wed. Unfortunately due to choices last year this is not the case today, but I am filled with sorrow at what was lost, particularly as I listen to this. I keep thinking things will get better, and they gradually are, but there is still a long way to go. I ended up taking a personal day at work, as when I got up I gathered quickly that I was in no state to deal with tax payers, whether on the phone or otherwise, so thought it best to have a down day. This has proven to be a good choice, as I have used the time to heal up a bit and recharge the batteries.

Yesterday was Louis Braille's birthday. He would have been 202. I cannot express what a difference Braille has made in my life, from labeling items around the house, to using it at work and at play, Braille has enriched my life as a blind person. I have to thank the NFB in general and the CCB and Tom Anderson in particular for giving me the drive to complete the learning that was done in high school with Sara Henry. The Warden got me started and the CCB completed a skill set I use every day to my benefit and enjoyment. Celebrating Braille's birthday in this context makes alot of sense, and I hope you will join me in doing so, if belatedly. :)

Finally a quick update. During the holidays I went to Colorado Springs and saw tons of family- reconnecting with my step brother Tim and his delightful soon-to-be wife and song was a particular highlight. I trust now that he and his family are back in Colorado we might see a bit more of each other. Overall Christmas was most enjoyable, and I survived the subsequent week at work with little dmage.

New Year's Eve was enjoyable, thought less so. My local supplier of adult beverages apparently took the week off, so I was left with a bottle of cherry wine to entertain my guests. Then the gods of weather diecded that making Denver into a frozen wasteland the day of New Year's Eve was a good choice. So a party that was supposed to be anywhere from 5-15 people was reduced to myself and the Bald God. Fortunately we had a good time of it, and I am eagerly looking forward to my upcoming birthday party.

Wishing all a happy new year.