Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A History Lesson

My friend and colleague Jonathan posted the below on his Facebook page, and as it contains great truth I thought I would post it here as well.

Alas I appear to have some liberal tendencies- i.e. sushi and imported beer, but am comforted by the red meat.

Hope you find this as entertaining as I did.

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deerin the mountainsduring the summer and would go to the
coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beerand the invention of the wheel.The
wheel was invented to get man to the beer.These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity
into two distinct subgroups:1. Liberals 2. Conservatives.Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.Neither
the glass bottlenor aluminum canwere invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close
to their brewery.That's how villages were formed.Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives
by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal
men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention
of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democraticvoting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years
conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious
reasons.Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone
levels than their men.Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented
the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Budor Miller. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters,rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers,engineers, corporate executives, athletes,members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives
who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide
what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.Here ends today's
lesson in world history!

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers
and to more liberals just to piss them off.And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self..... I'm going to have another beer.

No comments: