Cockatrice sends KFC, Subway, Driftwood Inc, and the nation into a Panic

Once again the wit and culture of the folks on the Entombed Google Group comes forth. Had to post with and share the laughter.

Cockatrice sends KFC, Subway, Driftwood Inc, and the nation into a Panic

This is late breaking news from the green onion. America's leading news source.
3 weeks ago, a man named Allan Thompson walked into his local KFC and
demanded a 12 peace cockatrice meal. KFC, in a desperate attempt to
get ahead in the fast food competition of today, decided without
asking any questions to start making what they claimed to be
cockatrice. However, an employee from subway purchased a Pease of
cockatrice and had it examined and subway was able to confirm their
suspicion that What KFC was serving did not even contain 1 bit of
cockatrice! "I thought it tasted just like chicken," said a man in
KFC while licking his fingers. "we've been suspecting that KFC isn't
even serving real chicken for years," Said a subway representative.
"its too bad we haven't been able to prove that yet, but when they
tried to claim they were serving cockatrice, we wanted to put a stop to it before it gets out of hand!"
Subway also announced that customers who are disappointed that they
had fake cockatrice do not have to worry, because they can now visit
Subway for a 100% healthy all natural cockatrice sandwich. "Remember
the commercial with the man who walked to Subway every day and lost weight?"
asked the same Subway representative. "Well, with our all new
freshly made cockatrice club with the works, you will lose even more
weight since you'll want to run to Subway to get it!"
Unfortunately, not only that people didn't lose weight, but they
gained more weight than they imagined, because within seconds of
eating these new cockatrice clubs, all who dare try it were
petrified! To make things worse, Subway tried to cover things up and
as a result the news wasn't out fast enough. Therefore, many still
bought and ate the cockatrice club and they were also petrified.
In the attempt to fix this stone cold problem, Jason Allen, President
of Driftwood Inc. started to manufacture cure petrification potions.
However, the average price was 300 and not 300 dollars, pounds, or
any such currency. For some strange reason Allen insisted that all
must pay in gold coins. In a desperation attempt to raise the money
to get the gold coins, family members of the victims threatened to
sue Subway for false advertisement. "Subway said that the new
cockatrice club would help people lose weight, but my husband who was
already putting a dent in our couch is now heavy enough to crush the
couch!" said an angry wife of one of the victims. "I don't know
about you, but that sounds like false advertising to me." Subway
promised to buy the petrification potions if all charges would be dropped.
Unfortunately, before any deals were made, some who had the means to
purchase the potions on their own found out that when they poured the
content down their beloved one's throats, it did not work at all.
Jason Allen had to then apologize and explained that the potions seem
to only work if it was taken between the time the sandwiches were
eaten and before petrification took place. "If my little princess
knew that she would be petrified if she ate this cockatrice club, why would she even eat it in the first place?" asked
a wealthy father of a victim. "since its a matter of seconds between
eating them and being petrified, how in the hell is anyone supposed
to get a potion in time?" Allen apologized and promised to work on a
solution as soon as possible. He also encouraged people to try his
reincarnation drafts, but those who tried it said it didn't work.
Allen then realized that the problem is the draft only worked with dead bodies and not stone.
As soon as we get more news on this situation, we will update you
with the latest development on this story. Meanwhile, KFC Is
reselling their fake
cockatrice meals. "This is exactly why we didn't use real
cockatrice in the first place," said a KFC representative. "You
should really give our imitation
cockatrice a try." "even if you don't think its finger licking good,
at least you will still be able to lick your fingers."